It is only 10:00 a.m. and I have already struggled so much. My greatest struggle is the fact that I don't even know when I say sorry or not. I have to think after every conversation I have, "Did I just apologize for something?" It has become so much of my nature that I cannot even recognize when I do it. It has become such an involuntary action for me, like breathing.
At 7:30 a.m. this morning the struggle began. I got up out of bed and began to pray. The first words of the prayer were, "I'm sorry God for not studying for this exam." I thought that this was acceptable for I was just repenting for my sin. But was I? Was I really repenting? Was I recognizing what I did wrong in such a way to ask for forgiveness, but more importantly to receive forgiveness? Or was I just shaming myself even further for something that God was already forgiving?
After my exam I walked out of the building and the first thing I wanted to do was be a sorry mess before God. By sorry I mean the definition by which one is pitiful. I knew my lack of efforts were shinning through every answer on my exam. I began to pray and I struggled so hard not to apologize. But after a minute of derailing my mind from being so apologetic I was able to reflect more with God. I was able to get to the real prayer. A prayer for my ability to understand the class for the rest of the semester. A prayer of knowing what I was to pull away from the class as a whole. A prayer of faith in God. Faith to keep my GPA decent. Faith to keep me okay. I realized that when I got over being sorry about what God had already forgiven me for I was able to pray for what was the actual pressing matter.
Later in the day, I began to flip through some of my photos on Facebook and I came across a picture of my friend Brenda. Brenda has been going through a really rough time lately, and she has been on my mind a lot. I saw this picture and I felt that it captured her so beautifully. It was so free and flowing. So I decided to post this onto her wall. And when I did I wanted to apologize to her for being so busy that the two of us did not hangout often. I knew that I could not apologize though for I would be breaking my one and only rule for the day today, to not say sorry. So instead of saying, "I'm sorry I have been busy lately", I just said "I know that my life has gotten really busy lately, but please know that I have not forgotten about you." This way I was able to get my point across without degrading myself in any way.
I would continue on listing each time I said sorry, but it would take forever because I said it A LOT. So I decided to list each time categorized by the person I apologized to.
Krystal
(13 times)
Reasons Why I was sorry:
-Her head hurt
-for not recognizing her pants before today
-for being so passionate about wanting to go to lunch
-for not realizing she wanted to be hugged
-for telling her not to go sing because she was not feeling well
-for cutting her off. I feared that my cutting her off mid thought would cause her not to finish her thought.
-for hitting her door and making her think that I was knocking on it
-for the door not working
-for being indecisive on where to sit
-for interrupting her because I burped. Gross I know, but there is some significance to including it. It was an involuntary action. I was apologizing for something that I could not control.
-for asking her to move
-there were more that I did not record
Cherie
(three times)
-for scaring her when I walked into the room
-I apologized to her twice for not knowing what to say
Heather
(once)
-for being indecisive on where to sit
Amber
(once)
-for not being able to focus on her because I was typing in her contact information
Jessica
(once)
-for using her computer
Sodexo Staff Member
(once)
-for asking for just broccoli
Dunkin Donuts Employee
(once)
-for asking her to describe a donut, and then not ordering the donut
Random People
(multiple times)
-for running into them
-for being in their way
-for standing behind them in line
The first thing I realized is that I apologize more to those I hold close to me. Besides the random people, and the Sodexo workers, I would consider all of these people, people I hold close. I apologized to each one of them. Any time that I struggled to not say sorry it was when I was interacting with someone I cared about. The only time I struggled to not say sorry to a stranger was when I did something "impolite".
Later in the day, I began to flip through some of my photos on Facebook and I came across a picture of my friend Brenda. Brenda has been going through a really rough time lately, and she has been on my mind a lot. I saw this picture and I felt that it captured her so beautifully. It was so free and flowing. So I decided to post this onto her wall. And when I did I wanted to apologize to her for being so busy that the two of us did not hangout often. I knew that I could not apologize though for I would be breaking my one and only rule for the day today, to not say sorry. So instead of saying, "I'm sorry I have been busy lately", I just said "I know that my life has gotten really busy lately, but please know that I have not forgotten about you." This way I was able to get my point across without degrading myself in any way.
I would continue on listing each time I said sorry, but it would take forever because I said it A LOT. So I decided to list each time categorized by the person I apologized to.
Krystal
(13 times)
Reasons Why I was sorry:
-Her head hurt
-for not recognizing her pants before today
-for being so passionate about wanting to go to lunch
-for not realizing she wanted to be hugged
-for telling her not to go sing because she was not feeling well
-for cutting her off. I feared that my cutting her off mid thought would cause her not to finish her thought.
-for hitting her door and making her think that I was knocking on it
-for the door not working
-for being indecisive on where to sit
-for interrupting her because I burped. Gross I know, but there is some significance to including it. It was an involuntary action. I was apologizing for something that I could not control.
-for asking her to move
-there were more that I did not record
Cherie
(three times)
-for scaring her when I walked into the room
-I apologized to her twice for not knowing what to say
Heather
(once)
-for being indecisive on where to sit
Amber
(once)
-for not being able to focus on her because I was typing in her contact information
Jessica
(once)
-for using her computer
Sodexo Staff Member
(once)
-for asking for just broccoli
Dunkin Donuts Employee
(once)
-for asking her to describe a donut, and then not ordering the donut
Random People
(multiple times)
-for running into them
-for being in their way
-for standing behind them in line
The first thing I realized is that I apologize more to those I hold close to me. Besides the random people, and the Sodexo workers, I would consider all of these people, people I hold close. I apologized to each one of them. Any time that I struggled to not say sorry it was when I was interacting with someone I cared about. The only time I struggled to not say sorry to a stranger was when I did something "impolite".
The other thing I realized was that most of the time I was apologizing it was for just existing or being human. (for standing behind someone in line, for using their printer, for asking them to move, for being in their way, for running into them, etc.) Why do I feel the need to apologize for this? Why am I so apologetic for who I am?
Many things came to my realization today.
1. I am terrible at not apologizing for 24hrs. In a day that I was to not apologize I apologized at least 25 times.
2. A bunch of questions came about from today. One of which being, "Why do I apologize for existing or being human?"
I began to think even more in depth. When I apologize it's because I feel like I'm burdening someone or doing something wrong. For instance I apologized to some for "existing" or "being human" because I felt like my actions were burdening them. (using their printer, being in their way, asking just for broccoli, etc.) When I did these all I could think of was... "I'm using her paper and ink for free, but they're not free things. She's going to have to pay for this." "I just annoyed them by being in their way." "I just made him waste a plate." I also feel as if I'm doing something wrong. "It's my fault. I was in their way." "I should not have asked her to describe that donut, and then not order it at all. I just wasted her time, and got her excited about this donut. And then I just disregarded her opinion." So the ultimate questions of my life right now that seem to be crawling to the surface everywhere I go... "Why do I feel like I am such a burden to others?" "Why am I so afraid to do wrong?"
I wish I had the answers. I wish I could hash it out right now. Give you the resolution. Leave you feeling good. But the thing is I am just three steps into this journey. I don't know the answers. But I hope to know them soon. I hope that soon I won't feel like such a burden. I hope that soon whenever I do have news to break, bad or good, I can find someone to break it to and not feel so guilty afterwards. That, I feel, is the ultimate goal of this. Not to apologize for who I am. Not to feel like such a burden. And not to tear myself apart inside every time I do something "wrong".
Thank you for reading.
Like what you read? Check out my other blog: http://yourekillingmesmalls23.blogspot.com
Many things came to my realization today.
1. I am terrible at not apologizing for 24hrs. In a day that I was to not apologize I apologized at least 25 times.
2. A bunch of questions came about from today. One of which being, "Why do I apologize for existing or being human?"
I began to think even more in depth. When I apologize it's because I feel like I'm burdening someone or doing something wrong. For instance I apologized to some for "existing" or "being human" because I felt like my actions were burdening them. (using their printer, being in their way, asking just for broccoli, etc.) When I did these all I could think of was... "I'm using her paper and ink for free, but they're not free things. She's going to have to pay for this." "I just annoyed them by being in their way." "I just made him waste a plate." I also feel as if I'm doing something wrong. "It's my fault. I was in their way." "I should not have asked her to describe that donut, and then not order it at all. I just wasted her time, and got her excited about this donut. And then I just disregarded her opinion." So the ultimate questions of my life right now that seem to be crawling to the surface everywhere I go... "Why do I feel like I am such a burden to others?" "Why am I so afraid to do wrong?"
I wish I had the answers. I wish I could hash it out right now. Give you the resolution. Leave you feeling good. But the thing is I am just three steps into this journey. I don't know the answers. But I hope to know them soon. I hope that soon I won't feel like such a burden. I hope that soon whenever I do have news to break, bad or good, I can find someone to break it to and not feel so guilty afterwards. That, I feel, is the ultimate goal of this. Not to apologize for who I am. Not to feel like such a burden. And not to tear myself apart inside every time I do something "wrong".
Thank you for reading.
Like what you read? Check out my other blog: http://yourekillingmesmalls23.blogspot.com
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