So I have not restrained completely from apologizing since my experiment last Friday, but I have restrained a little. I have realized that sometimes it is more comfortable for me, physically, emotionally, and mentally, to apologize in certain situations. However, I have also realized that it is completely unhealthy for me to apologize in other situations. For instance, at any moment where it is unnecessary and self-degrading.
This morning I was fed up with my untamed hair. However, I had no time to shower. Yes, I did have an hour, but if you have ever had really curly hair that goes down your back you understand that an hour is just barely enough time, if even. So I decided to brush my hair out while it was dry instead. If you have curly hair you know what this leads to. I brushed it out. It turned into an afro of sorts. Then I pulled it back into a slightly tamed bun. My hair was now less gross feeling than before. I was satisfied. But I sat in chapel and began to think about all of my insecurities. I wish my hair was more tamed. I wish I was wearing better, "nicer", clothes. But then I stopped myself. Why am I really ashamed of this? Is is because I feel uncomfortable? Do I feel the need to dress up because I would feel better if I did? The answer was no. I don't want to dress up. I love the way I dress. Sometimes I dress up because I feel like it. But the truth boiled down to the fact that I was sorry about who I was. What I was comfortable with. I like wearing a t-shirt and shorts everyday rolling around on my skateboard with my untamed hair. That feels like a part of me. So, why did I feel so bad about this? Because I was sorry about who I was. I felt ashamed because of how others might think of me. Why? Why am I so ashamed?
The way I see it is I'm comfortable just the way I am. So no, I won't stop apologizing for all of the times that I accidentally hit someone or do something wrong, but it's not wrong to be comfortable with who I am, and so therefore, I will not apologize for it.
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