Sorry

So what does the word sorry even mean? I mean I know what we think it means, but what does literature define it as? What was the intention behind the word when it was created?

According to Merriam-Webster's Dictionary (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary)...

Sorry is an adjective that means feeling sorrow or regret. It is used to express polite regret, or to introduce disappointing or bad news in a polite way. Feeling sorrow, regret, or penitence. (penitence: a feeling of deep sadness because you have done something wrong) Mournful, sad. Inspiring sorrow, pity, scorn, or ridicule. Pitiful.

I have probably used every form of this word. In most cases, as hard as it is to believe, I am using it in the form of penitence. In the form of deep sadness because of something I have done wrong. In most cases when I say sorry the person I say it to probably thinks it is just my way of covering for myself. But in reality whatever I apologize for eats me up inside. For instance, if I am at a meeting and I cut someone off I say "I'm so sorry." and I let them go on. Any other person would probably move on. No harm done right? Not for me. I would sit and ponder over it for the next week, angry at myself for cutting the person off. I would almost say that if anyone ever asked me to describe myself in one word, it might be sorry. Not in the "pitiful" definition, but in the way that I am to my core painfully saddened because of things that I have done wrong. Here is the problem with this, or should I say one of the many problems with this, as a child of God I should not define myself as sorry. For if I truly believe in forgiveness things of this nature should not bother me as much. I should repent, accept God's forgiveness, and see myself through God's eyes. So if I understand this, and believe it, why do I not follow it?

Examples given by Merriam-Webster's Dictionary (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary)

-I'm sorry I offended you.

-She was sorry to hear about their divorce

-I'm sorry for your loss

-I'm sorry for saying that

-I'm sorry that I wasted your time.

-What a sorry state of affairs we're in now (this is in reference to the definition: pitiful.)

-That's the sorriest excuse I've ever heard.

Synonyms for sorry given by http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary

cheap, cruddy, deplorable, despicable, dirty, grubby, lame, lousy, mean, nasty, paltry, pitiable, pitiful, ratty, scabby, scummy, scurvy, sneaking, contemptible, wretched.

When I first read these words I could not help but wonder, "Is this what people think of me when I am constantly apologetic for the things I do, and for who I am?" When I am constantly apologizing do they begin to see me, even if it is in a subconscious way, as despicable, dirty, lame, lousy, pitiable, pitiful, wretched, etc? More importantly, do I begin to see myself in these ways? Is this why I am so sorry? Because I view myself in these ways. 

Antonyms for sorry given by http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary

admirable, commendable, creditable, laudable, meritorious, praiseworthy

(commend: to praise (someone or something) in a serious and often public way. To mention (someone or something) as deserving attention or approval.) [http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary] So to be commendable to is to deserve praise, attention, or approval.

(laudable: deserving praise) [http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary]

(meritorious: deserving of honor or esteem) [http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary]

As I read these antonyms tears fill my eyes, and beg to be released. Everything within me fights to choke them down. Because I see them and I realize what I am denying myself by being sorry all the time. I realize that these antonyms are exactly what I believe myself to be not worthy enough for, yet I long for them so deeply. 

I long to be admired. How great would that be to be so great of a person someone looks up to you and wants to be like you. 

Deserving praise. That is a tough one. It is obvious that I struggle with the idea of recognizing that humility and lack of self-worth are not the same. It is uncomfortable for me to receive praise from someone, and yet I long to be recognized. 

And then the word that tore my heart apart so much that it brought the tears to my eyes, commendable. To deserve praise, attention, or approval. Now that I think about it, it was not the actual definition but the hole that the words dug up. Praise is not really my thing. Though I long to be recognized, I personally feel that the praise and glory should go to God, my creator. After all I would be nothing without Him. Approval. Oh, how we all seek approval. No, I do not wish to "fit in". That does not really matter to me. At least not in its meaning when referencing to the "in" crowd. However, I do long for someone to think I am worthy of something. Even if that something is just existence itself. But the part that tore me up was the word attention. If I were to be completely honest with someone and hash out my entire life story I feel that they would see I longed for attention. I hated writing that very sentence. The idea that I long for attention just makes me feel pathetic. However, it is true. I do not in any way long for the entire world's focus to be on me. I just long for someone to think I am worth even a fraction of their time. To pay attention to me for at least a second. To want me. 

My purpose behind this post was just to define the word, and yet someone how I began to reflect. Even after writing all of that my first instinct was to apologize for inflicting my feelings upon you. But I understand that I cannot expect to reach my point of resolution after my first post, and so I hope that you understand the same concept. 

Thanks for reading! :)

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